The Better Half

Posted by admin under Political Jokes

The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS.
Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement.
He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.

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Discounted Imprisonment

Posted by admin under Lawyer Jokes

A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked, “How many times have you been imprisoned?”
“Nine, you Honour.”
“Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.”
“Maximum sentence?” said the defendant. “Don’t you give your regular clients a discount”?

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Feeding Elephants

Posted by admin under Animal Jokes, Drunk Jokes

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
“Excuse me,” said the woman sitting next to him. “But, would you mind explaining why you’re doing this?”
“It scares away the elephants,” replied the drunk.
“But I don’t see any elephants around here,” said the woman.
“Effective, isn’t it?” crowed the drunk.

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Best Runner Up

Posted by admin under Patient Doctor Jokes

The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
“The best thing for you to do,” the doctor said, “is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.”
“Doctor, I don’t deserve the best,” said the patient. “What’s next best?”

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Make Up Your Mind

Posted by admin under Marriage Jokes

One man to another.
“I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a woman who’ll make me happy.”
“Make up your mind.”

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I Can Drive

Posted by admin under Husband Wife Jokes

“I’m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,” said the friend to the old man.
“Oh, don’t worry, I can drive.”

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Elevator or Lift?

Posted by admin under Crazy Jokes

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby.
“The lift will be down presently,” the receptionist told him.
“The lift?” said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”
“No, I mean the lift.” replied the Englishman.
“I think I should know what it is called,” said the American. “Elevators were invented in the States.”
“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But we invented the language.”

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Robbed Politician

Posted by admin under Political Jokes

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this, I’m a politician!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money!”

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Return My Wife

Posted by admin under Husband Wife Jokes, Police Jokes

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring.
Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor.
His car’s speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety.
Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: “Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a moment and said: “Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.”
No ticket.

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Beast Mouse

Posted by admin under Husband Wife Jokes

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
“Be careful,” he said to his wife. “You’ll bring out the beast in me.”
“So what?” his wife shot back. “Who’s afraid of a mouse?”

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